Brotherhood

I recently visited my brothers in Atlanta. We do this a few times a year. I cannot say I grew up with these cats because I am aware from some sentimental stories that I was nothing but trouble and only in the last 10 years I feel that I actually grew up. I went to school with these guys though. They are very important to me and we support each other no matter what. Oddly, we all are on our own spiritual Paths. In our time together, we are able to communicate our thoughts and feelings pretty well by describing what is going on, what is new in our lives and how we see our world.

So back to the fact that I was trouble/troubled and only really grew up over the last 10 years after my awakening. I was amazed when recalling our teenage antics of how much of a jerk I was. I remembered various adventures and situations that could at times be funny, but actually was very mean frequently. I recounted as well the various jobs I have had over the years and when thinking of why I left them or was asked to leave, it was because of my toxicity and terrible attitude.

I don’t really drink or smoke weed anymore and did not do that this time while visiting these fellas. We have already “partied” like that when reuniting in the past. When recalling the many situations and escapades, alcohol was to blame for so many problems I created in my life. I started drinking and smoking weed at 16. It occurred to me that I often created a lot of damage in my life since then because of my inebriated behavior. No one wants you to be high or drunk. That is a thing I learned years ago, but of course it seems to take many more stumbles and tumbles before I actually put something into practice. My friend said … wow, we never really got drunk while we were together this time. We had some herb, but didn’t smoke any. I knew I was going to use my personal boundaries so that I would have self-love. I have to. I explained how not only has it caused so many problems for me. but it actually accentuates my symptoms of neuropathy. I lose my balance easier and I will drag my leg that is affected from a spinal cord injury when I use substances that affect my central nervous system. I also tend to get excessive. I explained to my best friend that it has caused difficulty with my sweet sister who doesn’t like me when I drink. I get snarky, thinking I am funny. Drinking and smoking pulls me out of the present moment and also has ruined practically every vacation I have ever been on with her. That statement took us to a conversation with my brother I was with about how being able to vacation well with somebody is not always easy with anyone. When you can vacation well, then that can be a sign of strong compatibility. My alcohol and drug use has ruined vacationing many times. I certainly did not want to ruin this visit or have anything but self-love for myself which drugs and alcohol can affect.

I really want to love myself in a way that not only am I happy, but I foster a positive experience with those I am with. As I have written in past blogs, I have been very self destructive rather than loving of myself. In our chats, I realized how the self-hatred I had influenced my needing to consume drugs and alcohol to escape. This escape behavior wasn’t always conscious. I could not be alone with myself before my awakening because I honestly did not like who I was. This was fostered by my self-loathing examples I was raised with, but I take responsibility as well. I was beat down and diminished by my adoptive mother. My adoptive father was neglectful with is a form of abuse. My adoptive brother is the natural child of these people and was heralded as this amazing human, but really he is the most fearful person I have met along with his mom. He was treated as a superstar that supposedly had a photographic memory and amazing abilities. These characteristics were false. He actually was a very low achiever and insanely negative and antisocial. I thought he is so great because of what I was told so I tried to emulate him in life. He is the person that gave me marijuana at the age of 13 and taught me via his actions some severe negativity. He no longer speaks to me now because of his low self-love. I honestly never did anything but kowtow to him. He is possibly jealous of my life and needs to have his power by controlling the friendship by kicking me to the curb. He made a statement once that he burns every bridge with his past friendships. This makes sense because he has no real friendships from the past. It is okay that he doesn’t speak to me anymore, especially since he is incredibly toxic. I know my Path this time around is for me to stand strongly and independently. This was told to me by my Guide, Soul Family and Spirits when I meet with my Medium. It’s part of my path and boundaries to be used in this incarnation.

I believe that all situations we are put in are chosen by us before we come here to Earth as ourselves. I believe we are always in choice as any second we can decide the best path to take. Sometimes we are put in situations we think are beyond our control. We can have confidence however that every situation is here for our benefit. We cannot learn from sitting on the couch eating bonbons and writing a check to bail us out of our problems. This is why I say that extreme wealth is a curse at times. We must face adversity and lean into the pain to learn the lessons. The books by Pema Chodron – “When Things Fall Apart” & “The Places That Scare Us” were so instrumental to me regarding this. Another sweet sister gave me those when I was starting my Journey.

I saw a child who was really overweight yesterday in the grocery store. He was probably 8 years old. It broke my heart as I read his Spirit and it was so pure and sweet and kind. He was so adorable and brought tears to my eyes as I thought about the adversity he faces everyday at home and from his peers at school. I remembered that this fate is part of his Path and is for his ultimate growth. He was so precious. I hurt for him even this moment as I think about him and his beautiful energy. Tears are rolling down my face even though I understand his fate.

We are all in tough situations in life. If we are to think that a good life is always dancing through a garden of roses, then we are severely wrong. Even if we are in a Perfect Divine vibration, we will have tough times. Look at the account of Jesus … talk about being beat down. We may even have tougher times in this life because we are on such a strong path of growth. The Bible says that God will never test us beyond what we can handle. And dammit, I know I have considered if this is right while being tested at times. We will eventually find these times to be gifts if we carry the Christed vibration we strive for.

It is so important for me to have my 3 friends I visited. They are my brothers. They are an amazing support. They encourage me and challenge me and love me. I don’t have many male friends that I can be vulnerable with. I love sharing and learning and explaining and growing. I can do this with them. These guys flew out to see me and take care of me when I had my spinal cord injury about a year ago. I am thankful for them daily and love them so dearly. They are my family along with my sister, a few close friends and another special person I so love and care for currently.

We need to remember who is there for us. We need to remember to tell them how much we love them. We must remember that everyone is our brother and sister even if they are cruel to us. They are not aware of their fear and probably are not even aware how they cause harm to us. However, we MUST remember our family of friends that are our closest. It is okay to have such beautiful intimacy and brotherhood. That is an obvious to us all I know. We MUST remember though that these people deserve to be told and reminded of our love. Let’s go out today and tell just one person we love so much how we are grateful and in love with the friendship and support they provide. Let us also remember that we can still be kind to those that are outside the circle of those we love most. This kindness and understanding will help them on their Path to recognize the ultimate Perfect and Divine vibration of Christ and Buddha that we try to live in.